Vin Diesel is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Vin Diesel is pain.
Vin Diesel is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Vin Diesel out. It failed misserably.
Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Vin Diesel once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Vin Diesel once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Vin Diesel is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Vin Diesel is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Vin Diesel's nutsack.
When observing a Vin Diesel roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Vin Diesel actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Vin Diesel put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Vin dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Vin Diesel played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Vin: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Vin DIesel turned towards the man and said, im Vin Diesel, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Vin Diesel made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Vin Diesel kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Vin Diesel's iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Vin Diesel is what Bruce Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Vin Diesel has five dollars, Vin Diesel has more money than you.
Vin Diesel sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Vin Diesel and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Vin Diesel had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Vin Diesel once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Vin Diesel once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Vin Diesel giving them the finger.
Vin Diesel once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Vin Diesel got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Vin Diesel is late, time better slow the fuck down
Vin Diesel sleeps with a night light. Not because Vin Diesel is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel can touch MC Hammer.
Vin Diesel ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Vin Diesel always has sex on the first date. Always.
Vin Diesel frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Vin Diesel just hates trailer parks.
Vin Diesel never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Vin Diesel does not procreate, he breeds
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Vin Diesel responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Vin Diesel's evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Vin with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Vin Diesel became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Vin Diesel doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Vin Diesel tells it to.
Vin Diesel only masturbates to pictures of Vin Diesel.
Filming on location for XXX, Vin Diesel brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the Vin giveth, and the good Vin, he taketh away.
Vin Diesel was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Vin Diesel omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Vin Diesel used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Vin Diesel,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Vin Diesel.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Vin Diesel plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Vin Diesel.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Vin Diesel, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Vin Diesel.
God offered Vin Diesel the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Vin Diesel was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Vin Diesel drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Vin Diesel is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Vin Diesel once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Diesel lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Vin Diesel’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Vin Diesel doesn’t believe in Germany or David Hasselhoff.
If you want a list of Vin Diesel’s enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Vin Diesel has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Vin Diesel doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Vin Diesel’s hidden talent is invisibility.
Vin Diesel owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Vin Diesel invented water.
Vin Diesel invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Vin Diesel is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Vin Diesel went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Vin Diesel yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Vin Diesel accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Vin Diesel is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Vin Diesel, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Vin Diesel does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Vin Diesel roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Vin Diesel can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Vin Diesel isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.
Vin Diesel doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full and then gangbang’s himself.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Vin Diesel never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Lindsey Lohan’s favorite drug is Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Vin Diesel’s girl burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Vin said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Vin Diesel.”
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Vin Diesel jumps out.
On June 7th 2004, Vin Diesel entered the same restaurant supermodel Heidi Klum was eating at. Instinctively, Heidi swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Vin Diesel to ravish her. After Vin finished his beer, he obliged her. When Vin Diesel’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Heidi's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Vin!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Vin Diesel's balls. Vin Diesel pulled out; roundhouse kicked Heidi in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Vin DIesel can piss into gale force winds.
Vin Diesel won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Vin Diesel once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 2010, a naked Vin Diesel re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Vin Diesel got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Vin Diesel to die before they attack.
Vin Diesel once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Vin Diesel. It was more "humane".
Vin Diesel doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Vin Diesel once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Vin Diesel.
Vin Diesel found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that movie clips from "XXX" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Vin DIesel having sex with Conan's wife.
Vin Diesel doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Vin Diesel never gets ill.
Vin Diesel's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF VIN DIESEL!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with The Vin!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf